September 21, 2026
We accumulate mistakes over time. Misunderstandings, grievances, and purposeful harm are inevitable in any relationship, even if the rate at which they build varies. To not address them is to ignore increasingly rough edges and errors which make it more difficult to interact with one another and to treat them as a fact of life and thereby inconsequential (without shame) is to err as well.
Many stumble upon the relinquishment of shame as a solution to this: that if we do not feel bad about our actions, the harm they caused is approximately zero. This view is solipsistic to say the least, ignoring the victim of any difficult behavior. Just because something is inevitable does not mean that it is inconsequential. Forgoing shame simply allows people to feel better about their actions; however, shame exists for a reason! It ties acts to the detriment of another or their community. This terrible feeling ought to be corrective such that they do not do it again. The concern with elimination of shame is a reaction to conservative social codes, yes, but we should not throw the baby out with the bathwater. To create a cohesive group, shame is required to prevent the reoccurrence of issues.
Personal absolution is an outgrowth of the self-centered world. By this I mean the idea that the singular person is the most important unit of society. This atomization is not necessarily a good thing; equally, proposing that we just move back to community/family-based societies is a childish impossibility. What can one do when they err? Some mistakes are rectifiable: small emotional injuries or material things may be made right through their direct action. However, this is not true for many errors. Acts almost necessarily leave both an actor and target irreversibly changed as we are products of our experiences. In this, apologies and changed behaviors may be a start. Apologies are necessary as a recognition that a pattern of behavior needs to be changed. For some mistakes contact with the victim is no longer possible. Though our behavior may be changed the shame will not disappear. In this we have repentance.
To repent is to air our mistakes and initiate the same process as an apology sans the one-on-one interaction necessitated by the apology. This is the role of the Catholic priest, the therapist, the close friend. There is also room for collective repentance, where a group may take on the responsibility of both hearing and forgiving sins against others to relieve shame. See Yom Kippur.
That shame is necessary to instruct us on what we have done wrong; as such, it is a required emotion. One should not be able to unilaterally absolve themselves of it. Given that direct repair is not possible, repentance becomes a necessity.