June 28, 2026
I have been lucky enough to exist in both “mainstream” and countercultural spaces. Corporate America, with its strictly-defined rules and expectations, feels stifling at times, especially for those who come from cultures far from it. As well, if one has difficulties following social cues & remembering manners, it may be difficult to thrive in such an environment. Descending one level of formality is the traditional/normal social environment such as most people’s families. When meeting more “normal” people - this being in quotes because I do not believe in such a thing - one has various expectations thrust upon them, even if the environment is more informal. Some of these include making eye contact, guest/host relations, topic control, interruptions, and so on, though this list could be extended and varies widely between time and space. At the most informal level is the countercultural space. Due to their locations at the fringe of society, they tend to be more accepting of uncommon behaviors and personalities. It is rare to see people walking around in a gimp mask in daily life, but a fairly common experience to see this at some punk shows in Houston. This openness may be a kindness to those rejected from society – these communities are not tautological but tend toward having higher concentrations, in no small part due to rejection from other walks of life. As a group becomes further-distanced from social norms, this wider range of behaviors is tolerated, with it formalities and social graces. For many, this may be freeing. However, these manners exist so that your and others’ lives are smoother; they should not be ignored due to convenience. If one struggles with this, oftentimes it should be worked on.
That all manners prescribed in society are good is not a given; oftentimes tradition may keep detrimental and unwieldy rules due to inertia. Questioning should not be discouraged. However, the implicit result of following manners is the smoothing of relations for a tighter social fabric. Since these traditions vary widely between contexts, a universal theory of etiquette is beyond this post; instead, I will pick a few manners to discuss such that a reader can generalize.
The guest-host reciprocal relation exists in multiple times & places. A host, by virtue of having power over the guest by owning their safety, has an obligation to mentally even the playing field such that the guest is at ease and provided for. It is generally rude to inform someone of their subordinate role in a relationship. By accepting one as a guest, one gains power over them. As a subordinate, one is obligated to be thankful; a guest-host relationship is freely entered into. It must be remembered that the request to be hosted is that. Generally, the rules of the host ought to be followed. Though, the guest should not remind the host of their subordinate status and treat them as an equal provider.
This mental leveling of a lopsided power dynamic allows all involved in the relation to treat each other as full people so that they may more fully relate to each other. This is necessary for authentic human connection (see I & Thou) creating a more secure social fabric.
Defecting from this dynamic has innumerable consequences. There are many ways in which a lopsided power dynamic can be abused which do not need rehashing. Less evident however is that being reminded of the existence of a power dynamic breeds resentment and makes one more uncomfortable in a space. This makes a host less likely to do so again or a guest less comfortable around them, which damages the social fabric. These slights can be as little as starting unnecessary arguments to reminding one of material disparities.
Though one should always attempt to do good for others, it is not a given that they will do so. If such an attempt at good is given, they who receive said favor ought to give thanks for it. As in the favor itself, the expression of gratitude is not a given. However, both optional acts are a net good and encourage further beneficial behavior. The point of this social grace is to reward those who do such pro-social actions with positive emotion; this recognition is often missed by those who struggle with social cues. In general, gratitude for acts makes it more likely that there will be more of them; spawning a positive expectation of reciprocity. This too builds the social fabric as it is only through actions that one can determine what another enjoys. Even if it is not the default for one to do so, this gratitude and public acknowledgement of it ought to be adopted. As in the guest-host dynamic, this gratitude tends to reduce the power disparity produced by acting on one’s behalf.
Though this example is not one regarding power dynamics, it will serve my purpose of generalizing the reasons underlying social graces. To put it politely, many become accustomed to the scent they produce, failing to wear deodorant as a consequence. Or, given poor extrapolation from a smaller population which enjoys their scent, they assume that no one minds how they smell. This is likely not the case. Deodorant serves to make the experience of everyone around the user more pleasant. This costs one little time and money, though it is one additional consideration one owes to others. This application considers the wants of a generalized other even if the user does not care individually for every member of the public.
Many of the manners, social graces, etc. we see today come from the impulse to care for others’ wants. In formal environments, this becomes much more of a necessity as they may make it more likely to achieve results in such an environment. In the counterculture, these manners fall by the wayside; often this is a mistake as consideration for others is mistaken as subservience to authority. In reality, the perceived flattening of social power exists to smooth friction in daily life and care for others. Even if one does not understand why they ought to care for others, one should still follow those rules; lack of understanding does not except one from responsibility. And, even if one is otherwise isolated from polite society, the following of these rules makes a future re-entry more likely rather than plunging one further into the abject.
Considerations such as these are still important in alternative spaces. Others in these spaces are still people; basic needs are often similar between separate groups. Also, given that those entering these spaces come from widely-varying backgrounds, a consideration of kindness smooths relations between these people, drawing them even closer together. To ignore social graces acts in service of those who wish to see a group further cast out.
It is not that all manners are inherently good; tradition does not exist in a vacuum. However, when it comes to care for others, we ought to act in ways which make it easier to exist alongside one another.