February 10, 2026
i’ve written a lot on the time which i was most ill and very little of it will be published publicly; dragging up those emotions does not do much good for myself and i fear may hurt others as well. regardless, it deserves a brief note that i spent the majority of 2024 under the twin spells of an autoimmune and eating disorder.
there is not much value in retrospectively identifying a monocausal “why?” one becomes or is a certain way; i tend to believe that any event is fated to happen either due to will or to conditions far outside of our control. to the latter’s end, one particular series of experiences comes to mind.
the hedonic treadmill is often characterized as a device preventing us from experiencing continuous positive emotion as we become adjusted to higher standards of living; simultaneously a great gift is that we become accustomed to a great deal of suffering given the chance. cold and lack of energy become the norm, sluggishness the mode of operation; until these energy-saving adaptations are pointed out one’s life may easily fall into a steady decline.
dodgeball began at perhaps the roughest moment of my life. cleveland was frozen still; coming out of a breakup i could hardly force myself to eat even if i still felt consistently hungry. at one point i dropped to a weight that i had not been since middle school, ten years and eight inches ago. regardless, i had obligated myself to play in team sports and i fear letting people down, so i found myself trudging through refrozen snow to play dodgeball every sunday of january.
as one may expect, i was not the best player, barely able to move and throw the ball. despite this, i still showed for every game. during one particular game a teammate mentioned that i was performing much better than i had in prior matches. somewhere, i mentally noted that i had eaten prior to the match (expectedly uncommon at the time). some connection between that sluggish state and my relation to food emerged. i started to eat before games as to not let my team down, if only a bit. once this distinction was consciously made, i could at least justify feeding myself minimally as a method of survival and not being dogshit at dodgeball.
the second component of a retreat to sanity emerged during a dodgeball tournament. usually, the league i participate in is a general LGBT league, but once a season they host an additional women’s tournament. these are always a great deal of fun. not wanting to let my randomly-assigned team down, i crammed a peanut butter and tofu sandwich down (this sounds gross, but i promise the combination is unexpectedly good when you sear the tofu with cinnamon) and trudged through the february snow to the fieldhouse. i was not much benefit to my new team in any way, but we did proceed through nearly the entire tournament. though just dodgeball, this was an incredibly exhausting day; most of the game is spent keeping one’s mind on high alert. at the end we gathered for a group photo comprised of the entire tournament; with my head on a swivel a second frame fell into place –
surrounded by other women of all shapes and sizes who i had either collaborated with or fought against there was a larger sense of beauty; that each of us radiated a certain respect and dignity in a way which existed irrespective of the forms of our bodies, each one of us fully deserving of that. this is something many deduce logically, but to experience the full beauty of others endowed with dignity in a communal since is much more than mere intellectual discovery. if each of us had this essential humanity, the physical form, with all of the terrible societal connotations regarding the shape of one’s body fall aside. in that it was made clear that if all of these wonderful others contained this essence, i must as well. if this is to be true, my self-imposed asceticism in the name of wasting toward an ideal was misdirected; already possessed with the quality of respect i was trying to achieve. it is of course not the case that others still differentiate on the basis of appearance, but the spirit contained in each of us is far more important and i would preferably associate with those who also see this spirit. as for a personal view, these past months of self-flagellation had denied me the right to see myself as a whole regardless of external markers.
this is not to say that all ills may disappear in a moment; like anything there are ebbs and flows to pain. by and large i’ve been able to treat myself better and avoid the worst parts of despair as i orient myself toward a freer enjoyment of all life has to offer. if it were not for the community of women in that tournament; if not for the need of team sport, i may not have been here today. for a realization which others come to much sooner, my utmost love for dodgeball.