January 25, 2026
throughout the past two years i’ve been struggling with gut issues which (sparing the reader the more gristly details) oftentimes leave me with the feeling that my stomach is being scooped out and cleaned as a child does carving a pumpkin on halloween. not to mention a quite-harrowing incontinence which was finally what drove me to the doctor. in the course of racking up watering amounts of medical debt by way of having tubes of various thicknesses and materials inserted into me, i met a gastroenterologist who suggested i take a very low dose of an uncommon medicine for its side effect of gut motility regulation.
parnate is an early antidepressant; it worked well in treating anxiety and depression. despite this, ssris ended up winning the psychiatric war over maois – the latter has an unfortunate reaction with foods containing tyramine (think cheeses, rich foods, and anything fermented) during which the patient’s blood pressure spikes. this is incredibly unpleasant. despite my diet being “kimchi-forward” my doctor suggester that i trial this medicine. much to my chagrin, it helps a lot with the above symptoms, doubly so with pelvic floor physical therapy.
my doctor did not inform me of the tyramine interaction (or any other side effects). a dereliction on his part to be sure, but one which allowed me a serendipitous discovery of another side effect. though no longer done in standard practice, it seems that parnate was one prescribed for anhedonia, the inability of one to place their own emotions.
let there be an ambient musical track playing over the earth, a calming slow rendition of made possible by the bad plus or the koln concerts that all could hear. though for most such a design would fade into the background as another life constant, like most experience would occasionally pierce through monotony in moments of particular experience as golden sunlight trickling through leaves and birdsong. if one were born deaf to this experience, they could never have realized that they were – “oh yeah! ambient noise? yeah, i suppose that i can always hear something,” not knowing the mundane transcendental experience that most others have which they live without. life is navigable still. however, they take a spill while walking down the sidewalk and give themselves a concussion with an unfortunate interaction with gravity. the injury causing bloodflow to an otherwise neglected part of the brain to be restored, and suddenly, music!
up until now emotions had been a primarily physical experience for me. stress was my blood pressure rising. joy an experience of weightlessness. such that if i were asked how i was feeling, i would have to query my body (as an aside, when i encountered the idea of “embodiment”, my reaction was akin to “of course! that’s where the feelings are.”). now not so much and the names and concepts of these feelings are now present in both the mind and body.
scenario: dinner with an old cherished friend
before: i would want to go because i wanted to catch up due to a past familiarity and enjoy the exchange of information. afterward, some warm and light feeling that i had a good time doing so.
after: i am excited to go because i want to catch up (for reasons which, up to now, have not been interrogated). i enjoy talking over dinner, both because of our history and that we tend to make each other laugh by virtue of differing strangenesses. throughout the dinner i feel a positive shared warmth toward her that i couldn’t place before. afterward i leave having been made all the better by the knowledge of this shared emotion.
scenario: i am on a run
before: i enjoy the run because i get to think for the duration of it and eliminate a nervous energy running through my body. afterward there is a tiredness i equate with satisfaction after a successful run.
after: i enjoy the run while thinking through recurring thoughts, the process of which eliminates the negative reactions to them. afterward, i am physically tired and mentally clean. two separate but related phenomena.
scenario: i am upset by a negative interaction
before: i feel tears welling up that i cannot quite stop, feel my face getting warm and uncomfortable in a way not easily controlled. when asked “what’s wrong?” i have difficulty pointing to any one thing but rather an air of discontent.
after: i feel sad and the above bodily feelings come with it. in truth, this is quite mentally distressing, the knowledge of why doubly so (in the short run, this is slightly more unpleasant for those around me but likely good in the long run).
these are particular experiences but in truth this emotional depth is a background phenomena as well! driving home from synagogue with the warmth of community and prayer on shabbat is lovelier given the ability to place it; working is easier knowing that a deliverable satisfies me in a sensation further than resolving bodily agitation. it may be that being able to put names to a phenomenon gives it more substance? or it could be the difference between reconstructing the existence of an animal via its effects on the environment (footprints, dung, etc.) versus seeing the wild beast in its habitat. truly a lovely experience. though i wish that i’d been born with it, that i can make such a change is special in itself and allows for an appreciation of an otherwise commonplace fundamental experience.