January 1, 2025
every winter is the time for change; we like to pretend the calendar is arbitrary (it is, to an extent), but we are subject to the whims of the season despite our efforts to live in an entirely constructed world. in the spirit of another revolution, i’ve been reflecting on recurring themes throughout the year in order to expel them and introduce new ones.
i began the year on a flight from amsterdam after a post-college sojourn through europe alone, speaking maybe one hundred words per day. the trip was wonderful, but i was left with a profound sense of loneliness. it was not enough to see the world – it means everything to have people to share the world with. travel also works as an escape; during my time in houston it allowed me to pretend i were elsewhere, but it is temporary and best to fix the situation at home.
as we grow older our priorities seem to winnow. on deathbeds, the dying seem to care about just a few things, the majority of which being others. having people around provides a deep sense of purpose, people to entertain, protect, provide for, and love. retrospectively, being unmoored from these foundations in my move from austin to houston was the source of a lot of my angst earlier this year. regardless, i stumbled on an incredibly meaningful one (she’s sitting across from me while i write this). an opportunity to build something with such depth so quickly is rarely afforded to those outside of structured situations and has meant so much in the past year.
this year began with the death of my grandfather; we were blessed by being able to spend a few days with him with the knowledge that they’d be his last. hundreds of people filtered through his hospice room with an accumulation of sentiment rare to witness. material reward and achievements matter less than is comforting and we ought to build and strengthen the immaterial bonds which tie us. those last longer.
this also coincided with my first full-time post-college job. i have a lot of thoughts about the transition from college to adult life and the time demands of work, but they’d be trite at best; it’s a near-universal adjustment period. regardless, the ability to compartmentalize and find enjoyment outside of work (friends, hobbies) is of a much higher importance than stressed to graduates. one should at least be okay with their work, but not necessarily enjoy it (it should provide a struggle or challenge in some sense).
i began the year with a resolution to get better and more consistent at running. at my peak, i was at thirty miles per week, but through a series of sicknesses and injuries, i’m trying to maintain fifteen. a blood clot, covid, two tendon injuries, nerve pain, edema, and scrapes will do that to you. despite that i feel embodied in a sense that i did not before; pushing my body allows me to fully inhabit it. this and rock climbing are social outlets which helped me a lot as well.
as above, it’s been a year in navigating both newfound and lost capacity. it is immeasurably difficult to compare what one could have done at one point to current ability. disheartening at the absoute minimum. this is the natural path of life and its been an unlucky and enlightening experience to have dealt with a little sense of it ahead of time. also people treat you like shit when you can’t walk well and i’ve become more misanthropic for this.
it’s important. there are concepts beyond our comprehension and G-d is there as they are in all of us.
ideology is bad but feminism and anti-authoritarianism are strong attractors for me. i dislike the anti-“woke” backlash.
though i am currently writing from said city, living in houston (the experience inherent to it, not the people incidental to) was one of the worst living situations of my life. heat, traffic, labor, and lack of connection amaglated into a persistent restlessness and want to escape. though i did eventually make it out to the wonderful city of cleveland, i’ve changed my mind on the quality of american cities. many around here believe that living in {sf, nyc, dc, etc.} is necessary to a good life for transit, layout, or social reasons. i no longer believe that 0 the majority of the character of a place originates from the social landscape you build; all else is secondary. when people ask how others can get stuck in “second-rate” cities, sometimes this may be a genuine question but more often than not seems to be a failure mode in recognizing others’ priorities and orientation toward established social networks. cities are hyper-stimuli, providing immeasurable places to spend money and meet people. only the latter is important and this is not a feature exclusive to “good” cities.
the news is abuzz with discussion of the loneliness epidemic. the hard truth is that it is a soluble problem at the personal level, though it requires a great deal of effort. using technology in isolated boxes is easy and rejection hurts. over the past year i’ve met friends and acquaintances of all ages and genders though bars, concerts, twitter, discord, friends, synagogue, organizing, book clubs, run clubs, hiking, work, and on the street. all of this required leaving my comfort zone and exploring this beautiful world.
a personal flaw is that i am a stress smoker; in these situations i’m partial to either green american spirits or marlboro golds. after the death of my grandpa i set myself to the task of finishing a pack of the latter over a roaring-burning christmas tree in an oil drum trying to keep warm, hampered by wearing a crop top in january. charlotte asked me for a cigarette as i was debating whether to pack it up or bear out the cold.
we talked about music and virtual machines, running old servers, houston, and running itself before she got my number. i woke up the next morning smelling life the house in national lampoon (after the cat died) and texted her asking if she’d like to get coffee. the rest is unfolding.
when we started dating i made it clear that my presence in houston would be limited; about six months in i realized that leaving the city without her would be impossible. more than anything this year i’ve learned about the process of build a life with someone. i don’t think that love is like other emotions, instead it seems like it is something one is subject to. that charlotte and i fell in love uprooted out lives and building something in the aftermath required sorting through ruins to see which bricks fit back together. i wouldn’t give it for the world.
mosh pits rock even if my body has seen better days. also people should get off their phones at concerts because they are great places to meet people who are like you!
i’ve read ninety books this year. some of my favorites: