July 30, 2024
a few months ago i was lying on the couch that i had slept on as a kid from my mother’s house having a panic attack. then i realized i was being outrageous and dramatic.
the spur of the panic attack was the fact that i had not been meeting enough people in Houston; i missed the rich social life i had in college, wanted something akin to it again, and was hurting for the lack of it. all the small things – being able to pop over to someone’s house, just see people, have nineteen other roommates – made it so much easier to grow close to others. though those others are now all across the country. the fear which worked its way through my body and had the walls pressing into me is that i’d never have this again, that entropy and time would fade those close relationships i did have and that i would die alone and friendless. this seemed a bit outrageous; in a flash i realized that i had not been trying hard enough.
my endless complaints about Houston are legitimate – the structure of the city is such that organic connection in the way of a college campus is quite difficult – but to just give up despite an unfriendly architecture was unbecoming. in that moment i realized that i was obligated to give both myself and the city a fighting chance. had i been trying hard enough? no – i had withdrawn inward instead of fighting the structure of the city. the easy path of the city is to stay inside all day enjoying the bliss of air conditioning; well-worn paths can still be fought. so, i resolved that i would meet one hundred people in Houston before leaving.
by meet, i mean hold an extended conversation with a then-stranger which goes beyond surface level. this took me roughly ninety days (of which i was out of town for 15-20 of them).
the majority of people i met were through hobbies: bouldering, concerts, and running. every time i went bouldering i made it a point to talk to someone new and ask them about their routes, starting a conversation from there. one of my good Houston friends (of four or so total) was from going up to him after a class and asking if he’d like to climb together because we were on the same level.
concerts are another, though large ones are not the way; rather small venues with niche crowds are a lot more conducive. this is how i met my girlfriend (and a few others!). everyone there is there for the music and that’s always something to talk about! if you’re new in town, you can ask for recommendations, etc.
run clubs are very much in vogue right now; i enjoyed talking to people at mine, though i did not go consistently because i keep injuring myself (i run ~30 mpw outside of clubs which makes it difficult). that being said, becoming a regular and getting to know people there was a boon to my mental health.
other places of note were at parties through the people i met from the above; synagogue; work; book clubs (though i will say meetup events aren’t great, but i did have a fun conversation with an older man about Kierkegaard and Beauvoir). the more important lesson here is that both the initial meeting and the follow-up are important (getting someone’s social media, inviting them to another thing, saying hi when you see them again).
i’ve been in Houston for six months and sixteen days. during this time i’ve met my girlfriend1 (and frankly, spent a majority of my free time with her), rock climb two days a week with a guy i went up to on a spur of the moment question, accidentally went on one date, gone to two parties, twenty concerts, regularly hung out with two other people, and am at a point where i’ll know people when i pop into a venue. not bad.
technically this is somewhat of a low hit rate – 5% for making good friends, but honestly? that feels about right. there’s no shame in being strange, and as charlotte says, i’m an odd bird – i don’t expect to vibe with everyone, especially right off the bat :).
depending on how grandiose i’d like to be: i think the loneliness epidemic may be a skill issue? not to minimize it; overcoming the inertia and deep paths to socialize is not easy. it’s clear that it can be done though. there were days where i did not feel like talking or moving around (also of note is that i’ve been strangely sick in Houston with low energy and weight loss (before anyone gets worried the doctors haven’t found anything but low blood pressure and a very low heart rate)) but getting out of the house inevitably made me feel better, even if i was anxious about it before going. always a better time.
extrapolating, part of the issue with the loneliness epidemic seems to be inertia. its easier to get hyperstimulus on your phone and stay inside rather than experiencing the friction and energy of the real world. there are real structures which make this more difficult, but consigning oneself to the inevitability of that seems wrong! clearly, it is not a given. even now, on a wfh day, i left the house and am sitting at a table in a supermarket coffee shop to do something.
the pressing question is this: i knew that my time here would be limited when i moved – why then would i subject myself to getting closer to so many people knowing that it would be torn away? i struggled with this before but not now.
my time here is of the same quality of life anywhere else – fleeting. Houston is not a stasis zone where i stop aging and the passage of time halts; i have been growing older the entire time. trying to find a greater point in this is absurd; all of us will lose everything we love one day and that does not make all those memories, people, and places any less valuable. if i were to look at this from the outset, throw my hands up, and indignantly scream that none of this mattered because it would be gone anyway, i might as well kill myself. all of this is ephemeral; all of it dear to my heart.
i’m not sure if i’ve shared this story here before but i want to! to set the scene, it was a freezing night out, i was wearing a crop top, and the venue did not have good heating – everyone was huddled around a burning Christmas tree inside of an oil drum. my smoking is limited to times of incredibly high stress; i had just smoked my first cigarette for the first time in months the prior week walking around the hospital grounds after being with my grandpa for his final moments. fortunately, charlotte saw this and asked if she could have a cig. my goal when i have a pack is to empty it as fast as possible so i gave her one, plunging my entire hand into the burning tree to get it to light. we talked about computer virtualization for the next hour; i asked for her Instagram, her for my number, and we got coffee the next day. she’s currently sitting across from me as i write this. ↩